


Apathy with Notes (All Notes)

by Trashcan Queen (Megan_is_MIA)



Series: Apathy with Notes [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2018-12-14 05:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11776872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megan_is_MIA/pseuds/Trashcan%20Queen
Summary: Giving up doesn't mean life ends. It just means you only exist(I wrote this up while waiting for the fantastic Kashoku to update her stories)((This has been discontinued for the time being as I have lost faith with the YOI fandom))





	1. Entry 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sweet Pandemonium](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10866345) by [Kashoku](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kashoku/pseuds/Kashoku). 



Month/Day/17  
I acquired this notebook yesterday. I've decided to make like a teen age girl and write about my feelings. So my trusty notebooky pal you wondering how I'm feeling? Nothing. That's how I feel. Just pure nothing. Not sadness, not anger, and especially not happiness. About three weeks or so ago I started having sex with Yuuri of my mostly free will. It started to become a frequent endeavor to my mixed delight and dismay. This morning I woke up with Yuuri pressed against my side sharing body heat. And I feel nothing, like my body was just an empty void inside. This is actually a welcomed change to all the misery I've been through.


	2. Entry 2

Month/Day/17  
It been a couple of days since I first wrote in this thing. The emptiness I felt has not gone away and is now a constant companion to me. I've been going through the motions of life but to be honest with you I don't feel alive. I still eat like a normal person, sleep like a normal person, and fuck like a normal person. But I'm not a normal person, I'm not even a person, I'm a thing. I exist, like a stone at the bottom of a pond in winter. No wait, that's not quite right. I do have a purpose unlike a pond stone. I'm an inseminator for Yuuri so he can have a child. And then after he has the child he so badly wants. Maybe he'll get rid of me. It doesn't matter to me if getting rid of me is killing me or just kicking me out. I'm good either way as long as Makkachin is still taken care of, she deserves it after being such a good and loyal dog to me these past ten years.


	3. Entry 3

Month/Day/17  
Today I cut my hand open on a sharp edge of a dresser. It hurt a bit and there was lots of blood. Vicchan got fretful over the sight of it and licked my hand clean. I showed appreciation to the little poodle by rubbing his belly for about 30 minutes and calling him a good boy. When evening came Yuuri finally returned to the bedroom. He questioned me over why there was blood on the dresser and floor as well as where it had came from. I showed him my hand without any sort of fuss on my part. However there was more than enough fuss for the both of us from Yuuri. He dragged me out of bed and to the house doctor. I had to get a couple of stitches for my hand as well as some bandages.


	4. Entry 4

Month/Day/17   
After about a week the stitches dissolved leaving my hand all healed except with a decently cool looking scar across. Despite my injury I continued to have sex with Yuuri on a regular basis. Today I could faintly feel something through the bond between Yuuri and myself. It was like it was supposed to be very loud but I was deep underwater and the sound was mostly muted by the water. Yuuri seemed very happy and came to see me during the afternoon. I wasn't sure why he seemed so happy but I chalked it up to his heat probably coming soon. Yuuri confirmed as much hinting at what our evening would entail.


	5. Entry 5

Month/Day/17

Today I had the realization that I hadnt smiled within recent memory. After breakfast I bunkered down in the bathroom to rectify that issue. Sitting on the counter and staring into the mirror I started practicing my grin. I couldn't get myself to smile naturally so I opted for a plastic smile like so many I had worn while receiving medals. Looking at my expression a voice popped up in my head _"...Dont smile like_ _that idiot, it's creepy. You look like a Ken Doll after a bad dye-job..."_. I couldn't help letting a small snort of laughter out at the memory. The snort soon grew into loud and echoing guffaws of laughter. Yuuri snuck up on me in the midst of my laughter and make his presence known. Immediately I stopped and turned to look at him. His expression was irritated but I was unsure if it was because of my laughter or because I had ceased laughing.


	6. Entry 6

Month/Day/17  
As of the time I am writing this I think Yuuri and I had a disagreement and a fight. I say think because I am still processing the experience. Back to the fight, it started this morning before Yuuri woke up. I had already gotten up and went to the bathroom. Despite the ever present emptiness I felt I had a desire at this moment. It involved taking a bath. But not a nice hot bath to relax my muscules but an cold one that was almost at freezing point. Once I had the tub filled I got in pajamas and all. I don't know how long I was in the icy bath when Yuuri finally got up. When he found me half-asleep he was not pleased with me. I wasn't really listening as he lectured and slipped under the water with a yawn. I don't remember Yuuri pulling me out and when I came to it was on the bed with Yuuri stretched out atop me his body generating more warmth than normal. He headbutted me and scolded me harshly once he knew I was awake. However it felt more sad than angry through the bond.


	7. Entry 7

Month/Day/17  
I didnt finish my entry last time sorry my notebooky buddy buddy chum pal. I'm guessing if you were a person you'd want all the juicy details right? Well your a book which I will probably destroy at some point so there. Anyways after being scolded by Yuuri he finally asked me why I took the icy bath. I lied to him. He won't know what i'm going to tell you now. I'd been having nightmares, nightmares about skating. Skating and the ice breaking under me. And me sinking down into an icy lake never to see the sun again. And then I wake up in a sweat. I have to make sure to hide this notebook properly once I've finished writing in it. Vicchan has take it from my hands once which terrified me more than I'd ever be able to say nor write.


	8. Entry 8

Month/Day/17

I think I've messed up in someway. The past couple of days Yuuri has been avoiding me like I am the Black Plague. On one hand I want to ask him what's going on with him. On the other hand I'm afraid of what the answer will be. He didn't even press for intimacy last night. I'm not angry about that, just confused by the change in attitude. This might have something to do with my notebook disappearing for an entire day. Actually the disappearance was the first time since my laugh attack that I've felt deep emotion inside me. In fact I can almost hear his voice saying _"...How can you be so stupid? I look up to you!..."_ I miss the kitten more than then I'd like to admit. I'd never say that out loud though. It'd be bolder than I'd ever dare to be.


	9. Entry 9

Month/Day/17  
As of the time I am writing this I am nursing a broken ankle and wearing a splint around my foot. Today, instead of leaving to do whatever mafia business he usually does during the day, Yuuri stayed in bed with me. Telling me that today was a free day for him and that we were going out on an outing. The outing turned out to be a visit to an ice rink to skate for fun in his words. And to be honest with you, it was fun. At least at first. I'm not sure what triggered it, but whilst I was skating my drowning nightmare suddenly hit my mind full force. I don't remember exactly what happened, Yuuri says I froze up mid-glide and tripped face first. I do faintly recall the sound my ankle snapping under me. After that it a blur until I properly awoke ten or so minutes ago. I had to take a lot of painkillers to dull the pain and they're making me sleepy bye-by


	10. Entry 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REMINDER
> 
> Please if you haven't already read Sweet Pandemonium by Kashoku go read it before reading this dribble. It's an amazing fanfic and the inspiration for this dumpster fire 
> 
> Also read all of the other things Kashoku has written cause all the stories ROCK

Month/Day/17  
I have received two pieces of news today. One that soon I will be able to take the splint off because my foot is healed. Two that Yuuri has taken a pregnancy test and it was positive meaning he is in fact with child. However I'm not quite sure which is good news and which is bad news. Perhaps they're both bad, perhaps they're both good I am not sure. Whatever the case the fact Yuuri is now pregnant means I can now go visit Makkachin after so long. Except I've decided not to go see my beloved poodle. Why you might ask notebook buddy? Because I have begun to realize my own pointlessness. What could I do for Makka now? She now has many people to play with her and give her attention. She has another poodle as a playmate and she is living the dream life. The kindest thing I can do for her now is to never darken her daylight again with my presence. While up and about doing my daily activities I had a most strange encounter. Somehow a kitten apparently got stuck in one of the walls. I managed to help it get free and I'm assuming it likes me. It hasn't left my side since I rescued it and keeps kneading my leg and licking my fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came to me at like 2:20 am in the morning so it's very shitty. I will not apologize.
> 
> Also feel free to fight me about the kitten if you so desire but this is my ramblings about a fanfic I like so if you don't like it go read the original as it is 100x better and worth reading and bookmarking.


	11. Entry 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's just more trash so I don't immediately have Viktor punch a mirror and screw his hand up again

Month/Day/17   
The splint has finally been taken off my foot and I can walk with ease. The kitten I rescued is still hanging with me. I take her everywhere in my pocket. I have named her Krissi because she reminds me of my friend Christophe Giocometti. Krissi makes me feel like my heart has begun beating again and there's hope for the future ahead. But that feeling never lasts long for as soon as I allow myself to be relaxed I am able to feel Yuuri's intense emotions through our bond. One thing I am certain about is that I will not allow Krissi be taken from me as she is my only source of comfort now. But maybe I won't have to fight for her, she seems able to hand Vicchan pretty well all by her self armed with nothing but her claws, teeth, and wits. Maybe one day I'll be able to do the same for myself.


	12. Entry 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of my ramblings since Kashoku just updated!

Month/Day/17  
Sometimes I still get intense bursts of emotions in response to little things. It's almost like there's a chained up mad dog inside my mind. I've come to the conclusion that the mad dog must be my secondary gender separating from my main identity. I can't think of any other rational answer, but hey! Since when was I the poster boy of sanity?! Regardless of whether I'm sane or insane I still was forced to face my worst nightmare in the form of Vicchan chasing Krissi whilst I was eating breakfast. I went after the poodle intending to outrun him and save my kitten. I ended up jumping through a open window and out into the backyard. I was able to rescue Krissi but unfortunately Makkachin caught sight me. And of course in typical dog fashion she came running to me and gave me sloppy dog kisses. I lose my mind entirely and started crying like a baby. I don't think anybody except the animals saw me but I'm not that hopeful that luck's on my side.


	13. Entry 13

Month/Day/17   
Krissi is the only being I trust here, I don't even trust myself nor the mad dog that lives in my head. I'm starting to wonder if i might actually be crazy, when I am cognizant enough to remember there is an I to be possibly crazy that is. I bet if you were a real person my notebooky friend you would have already abandoned me cause I'm a nutcase. But then again, if you were a real person you'd be dead cause Yuuri would have killed you outta jealousy. Funny how life works like that in our favor right? Anyway I think there was a point to why I was writing in you today but I just can't seem to remember it. Oh well I guess it will come to me at a later time. Maybe you'd like to hear about my day? Well it sucked, it sucked bad. It turns out I did have a human witness to my breakdown in the garden! And worst it was Phichit! At this point I can't risk losing the one source I have for getting information about Yuuri just to save my own pride. So I had to endure all his teasing until he finally got bored and was kind enough to leave me alone.


	14. Entry 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some nonsensical ramblings from the Russian Madman

Month/Day/17  
After who knows how many days I finally remembered what I wanted to write about: it was something about butterflies. I wish I was a butterfly so I could escape and fly to a better place where there is no walls to keep me in. Yet if I am a butterfly now, my wings have been torn from my body by a cruel child. Or maybe I've been pinned against some cork board for viewing for all of eternity. I remember reading a poem in school about a man who dreamed he was a butterfly or maybe it was about a butterfly who dreamed he was a man. I wish that this life I am living now was just a terrible terrible dream and that I'll wake up in a better place. Then again that is just wishful thinking in a place where despair is all in the normal routine.


	15. Letter #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a trip into Yuuri's mind for a bit
> 
> It happens after the events of Entry 1 & 2 and before the events of Entry 3 onwards

My dearest Mother  
Things are starting to change but I’m not sure I’m happy about it. My mate is acting strange well stranger than normal. I’m not quite sure what triggered the change and thought maybe you’d have some insight into the matter. About a month or so ago my mate started acting much more affectionate towards me. At first I was suspicious but he seemed to be sincere in his endeavors. However a few days ago he started acting weird like, like a zombie or something. I had someone trail him incase he was planning to pull something like trying to starve himself or break out however it seemed my fears were unnecessary. He still follows his daily routine of eating, learning japanese, and sleeping at night. Heck he still initiates intimacy regularly but something feels off about it. I haven’t talked to anyone about my concerns yet, not even Phichit. As of this moment I’m hoping that this change will be brief and that things will get better.   
With Love  
Yuuri


	16. Letter #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter is written after entry 3 and during the time entry 4 is taking place. I might another letter for the time between 4 and 5 but it's unlikely cause I only get inspiration at inconvenient times

* * *

My dearest Mother  
I have had the most nerve wracking week. Monday I overslept a bit and was almost late to my first meeting. And then when I came to see my mate in the evening I was greeting by the sight of blood all over the dresser, my dog, and my mate! As used to blood as I am, I still felt shaken by the scene before my eyes. I’m sad to say that I lost my temper and yelled at Viktor about why there was blood everywhere. He was remarkably calm while explaining what had occurred and afterwards I took him to the in house doctor to get his injured hand fixed up with stitches and plenty of bandages. I intended to just have a quiet evening after that scare but that didn't seem to be in the cards if you know what i mean. The rest of the week was filled with unpleasant events that i'd rather not get into the details about. The exacts are rather gruesome and better spoke about in person. The only consolation was having my mate waiting to see me at the end of each day. On a positive note since all the hormone-suppressing drugs are out of my system my heat is coming soon. Hopefully soon I'll be able to add grandma to your title.  
With Love

Yuuri


	17. Letter #3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter is before the events of entry 5. There's a large time gap between entry 4 and 5 because Viktor catches a cold and is too sick to write.

My Dearest Mother  
I need your guidance again on what I should do. I remember the times when I would get colds as a little kid and you would take care of me. I remember the feeling of my head being all stuffed and telling you it felt like my brain was squished by gook. I feel like my brain is squished by gook right now but I'm definitely not sick. I only get this feeling when trying to reach my mate through our bond. What does this mean? Is my mate sick? Admittedly his body temperature has felt higher than normal to me but I thought it was just a side-effect of my heat-dazed brain. I know in my heart I don't want to lose him over my own ignorance. Please write back to me soon.  
With Love  
Yuuri


	18. Letter #4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter is written a day after Entry 5's events. 
> 
> I'm curious if I should write documents from some of the other characters povs

My Dearest Mother  
Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote to you. I've been a bit busy with various things. The prompting of this letter was because of an incident between my mate and I. Yesterday morning instead of going to his Japanese lessons, Viktor snuck off to the bathroom. As I had nothing scheduled that morning and had an overwhelming burst of curiosity I ended up following him. What happened next was bizarre. I watched him make unnatural grin-like expressions into the mirror until he started laughing. And I couldn't help but be drawn in closer by the beautiful sound. Unfortunately as soon as Viktor realized I was there he stopped laughing and turned to look at me with a solemn expression. I couldn't help but be a bit jealous of whatever had made him so happy. Here's to hoping for answers.  
With Love   
Yuuri


	19. Entry 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so bad 
> 
> It almost was about Viktor sliding down the stairs in a suitcase

Month/Day/17  
I had to wait until Yuuri was asleep and I could sneak to the bathroom in order to write up a storm. WHOOSH there's the goddamn storm. In more relevant news I learned not to climb trees. Allow me to rewind to this afternoon my notebooky buddy. I went outside to play with Krissi in the backyard amongst the tall grass. Where Makka got the idea in her head to chase the kitten up a tree. I waited for awhile hoping Krissi would come down on her own but that didn't seem to be in the cards today. So of course, me being a total genius after all, I climbed the tree to get her down. Once I got up there though I became kinda mesmerized by the height. How easy it would be to just let go and let gravity do the rest. Whether my skull would break like an egg or a watermelon. You know the usual kind of stuff you think about. It wasn't until Krissi meowed at me that I broke out of this trance. I successfully got most of the way down before one of the last branches broke under me and thankfully(?) I only tumble a couple of feet before hitting the ground with a bump. But that's really neither here nor there in terms of almost fatalities you know? Anyways back on topic I ended up having to explain my injuries to a rather annoyed Yuuri who made me immediately go to bed. Which would lead us to now.


	20. Entry 16

Month/Day/17  
Krissi brought me a present this morning in the form of a dead raccoon. I don’t know how to feel about it to be honest. On the one hand I’m proud of my little kitty-witty, on the other I’m worried she could have gotten hurt or worse get rabies. On the other hand, wait I only have two. Well whatever as I was saying/writing(?!?) on the other hand I’m extremely jealous of the raccoon. Not because he was living freely and the master of his fate but because he’s dead. It looks so peaceful being dead, I can’t help but be envious. I hope Yuuri doesn’t ever find this thing. I don’t need him being even more suspicious than usual of me. All in all I’m not sure what to do with the corpse of the raccoon. It’s going to start stinking soon and that will definitely raise questions from someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll probably write a letter or an entry about Yuuri dealing with the raccoon corpse as well


	21. Entry 17

Month/Day/17  
I wonder sometimes if I’ll make a good father. Before Yuuri acquired me I hadn’t put much thought into it but now I sometimes wonder. I worry that maybe my child will hate me or worse I’ll hate it. I know not every Alpha is born with paternal instincts but I hope I do have them. Part of my mind reminds me that there’s still the probability that Yuuri will deem our offspring inadequate and me undesirable. I don’t worry what will happen to me but I worry for the life of the infant. Maybe I think too much. Hell for all I know Yuuri could have a miscarriage and end up waiting awhile yet to become a parent and be rid of me.


	22. Entry 18

Month/Day/18  
The new year recently came and went so that means I’ll have to remember to write an 8 instead of a 7 now. Anyways it’s been awhile my diary pal hasn’t it? You’re looking good as ever despite the fact Krissi tried to chew on your spine. Me? Oh I’m doing fine haven’t cut my hair in like ever so it’s getting pretty long. I’m starting to look like myself at 16 except with more wrinkles heh. Anyways in regards to my beloved mate (and I use that term loosely)’s pregnancy has been going along smoothly. I wonder what he’s hoping to have. In the few times I’ve put thought to the subject of having kids I’d hoped to have a little girl to spoil rotten. In fact that fantasy is one of the few I still keep close to my heart alongside my escape or death. Though I know that’s an unlikely outcome and Yuuri might abort the baby if it’s female. I’ve come so far in a short time but yet nowhere at all. I suppose my life is truly an oxymoron.


	23. Vitasha’s Regrets: Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set way in the future with an Adult Vitasha 
> 
> Also I might have fucked up what the names of Kashoku’s characters PLEASE FORGIVE ME

I regret many things, however that’s not the point of this memo. I’m here to list my greatest regrets to you. Perhaps not in order of severity but in order of which I remember most of all. 

My father   
My first regret is not getting to know my father better. I could go the easy route of calling him a deadbeat dad, heck that’s what I thought of him as for most of my childhood years. But he was more than the reclusive I knew him as. My little sister Alyona knew him best. When Alyona was in our father’s lap there was a light in his worn blue eyes that I never saw when they were turned towards me. Of me and my siblings I am the one who looks the most like our father. Perhaps he saw himself in me and hated that. I’ll never been certain but that’s my belief. Other that when Alyona was by his side, the only times my father ever seemed to be completely in this world was with the family cat Krissi. He told me once that the cat reminded him of an old friend of his and that would be all he’d say before he shut himself away.


	24. Vitasha’s Regrets: Mother

I regret many things, however that’s not the point of this memo. I’m here to list my greatest regrets to you. Perhaps not in order of severity but in order of which I remember most of all. 

My mother  
My second regret would have to be my relationship with my mother. I was very close to him as a child but as I got older and presented as an alpha we drifted apart. Once in a while he’d look at me with such an intense gaze and speak very sharply. Over time I came to know this part of my mother as Omega. Omega was not as loving towards me, angry all the time for things I could not control. Omega preferred my little brother Yulian because he had the same secondary gender. I used to be jealous of that but now... not so much. Other than my mother’s episodes as Omega he was still a very good parent but nothing could erase the trauma I experienced.


	25. Entry 19

Month/Day/18  
Today I ran away. Not very far mind you and I came back fairly quickly. But still I ran away, out of the house and into town. I’m not sure why I did it to be honest with you. I think it has to do with one of my earlier musings about the parts of my mind that are Viktor Nikiforov and the parts that are Alpha separating from each other. I remember seeing this movie called Split once. It was about a guy with something called Dissociative Identity Disorder. That’s when a person’s mind splices into different personalities in order to cope with trauma. The guy had developed DID after being abused as a child or something like that. I’m going off on a tangent now... my point is I think I might be developing DID, sometimes I’ll find myself somewhere I don’t remember visiting like one moment I’ll be in the bedroom and next thing I know I find myself up a tree in the backyard. And then that begs the question of who I am now? Am I Alpha? Am I Viktor Nikiforov? Or am I somebody else entirely? Who knows! Certainly not me!


End file.
